bedraggled but still here

 This afternoon I had a group Zoom session about diabetes management with the team from the Community Diabetes Education Program of Ottawa (CDEPO). It was informative and somewhat reassuring. The biggest takeway for me was this: “Diabetes can be overwhelming! We don’t expect you to be perfect. Small sustainable changes are the key and can take you far!"

 I don’t have to count carbs (unless I want to); I just have to visualize the nutrition plate and try to aim for that for each meal: half veg, quarter starch/carbs, quarter protein. And I have to aim for more physical activity. They emphasized that they weren’t asking people to join a gym but rather to move every day, every hour, focusing on both cardio and resistance. I’m close. I don’t move every hour; I often sleep for hours in the daytime. I already do my fitness class three times a week and I do walk, just not daily, so I’ll try to change my walking to a daily half-hour.

 Stress can also cause trouble, so as the nurse said, I will try to be zen about things. If you know me, you know this isn’t easy for me. I’m a control-freak with anxiety issues.

 I’m also taking comfort in something I read in this diabetic cookbook, which reminded me that everyone is different and what works for some might not work for others. I have serious anxiety about the food, as I’ve mentioned, but the dietician has already told me over the phone that she thinks she can help with meal planning with me.

 I will concentrate on small steps and not beat myself up if I don’t always succeed in following nutrition guidelines for every meal.

 I also thought I’d need a glucometer, but that sounds like it’s optional. I do need to get a regular blood test every three months via my doctor.

 Another thing that struck me is that a lot of the symptoms listed were ones I had but I thought were related to either my not having a colon or menopause: fatigue, thirst, having to pee a lot, dry skin. Maybe taking more care with diet and exercise will eliminate some of those symptoms.

 The other thing that worries me is the blood pressure monitoring. With my claustrophobia, every time that cuff squeezes my arm, I feel panic and of course, that makes my heart pound and raises my blood pressure. But I probably do have high blood pressure, so maybe the point is moot.

 Between the pandemic, the state of the world, uncertainty and worry and anxiety that seems to have developed since perimenopause, I’ve been a wreck for some time. I feel quite sad at times.

 I feel like CDEPO is a good organization with caring people. Maybe the neglectful treatment I’ve gotten from family physicians will change now too.

 I have one piece of advice for physicians that tell their patients they are at risk of developing diabetes, at least in Ottawa: get them to contact CDEPO. had I been able to have this help several years ago, I might not be dealing with this now. 

I assumed that because I don’t have a colon, I couldn’t really change my diet. I assumed that my fatigue was due to that. I made a lot of assumptions and I’ve been still in recovery mode from my near-death health crisis for years now, overindulging because life could end any moment, sleeping for hours on end in the daytime, spending a lot of time indoors and not moving (during the pandemic). 

Well, now I’m feeling overwhelmed again. 

I’m still here. 

I have to figure out how to thrive. 

Small steps, I know. small.

pink flower not fully open yet