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overwhelmed and fucking up

i am full of anxiety
 

I’m not sure when I saw the doctor to get the diabetes diagnosis, but last week the dietican called to set up an appointment. as I’ve said she was very caring, but booked up until the end of the month. I will participate in a group workshop of some sort mid-April. I’ve been trying to figure stuff out on my own, including diet, but also exercise.

I thought I would also be talking to a nurse from the same clinic, but haven’t heard from any yet. I know medical staff are extremely busy and overwhelmed as well. I like to sort things out for myself and help as much as I can.

 Yesterday and today I had a breakdown. Charles has been helping me through it thank goodness, but it’s been difficult. I want to do everything right. I don’t want to fuck up. I researched and tried to figure out how to balance my lack of a colon issues with good food for diabetics and came up with a few ideas, but not really a lot.

 I tried eating an apple with almond butter. Soon after I got a terrible stomachache, indication of a bowel obstruction. It went away fortunately. So I tried again. This time I peeled the apple. The stomachache was even worse. It lasted for an hour, but fortunately again the blockage cleared. I am starting to feel like I can’t eat at all anymore. It’s either dangerous for causing blood sugar spikes or it’s dangerous for causing bowel obstructions. My head is spinning with all of this. I have a bitter taste in my mouth that won’t go away.

 I had some coconut black tea this afternoon to try to help me get rid of the bitter taste and worried that the pineapple in the tea, little bits…might be bad too. Free floating spinning anxiety has taken hold.

I am exhausted and I try to do more physical activity. I’ve been doing my fitness classes religiously three times a week in 2022, so that’’s good, but I set up a plan to do more, getting out to walk or walking up the stairs daily. Because the fitness classes aren’t enough to help deal with diabetes. I need to do more. Did I mention I am exhausted?

 And creatively this is really sucking the life out of me. I had an ideal life: I got up whenever I felt like it and I worked on my creative stuff and other people’s creative stuff according to a schedule that accommodated hours on the couch, burning incense, drinking tea, eating food that for the most part didn’t cause me blockages, except on occasion. I can’t control that. The diabetes diagnosis has made me feel as if I can’t live this way anymore and I don’t know what to do about it. Is my entire life now going to have to be devoted to my physical health? My mental health is shaky.

 

Charles tells me that I don’t have to get it all figured out all at once. These things take time. But I keep thinking that I’m doing my body damage if I eat cereal or something else with too much sugar in it. I feel guilty for not going outside and walking around. I have a stack of books I’d rather read.

 

This morning and yesterday were tough times. I guess I’ll go through all of this sort of emotion until I can get some facts and answers. I am twisting in the wind.

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